impressions

I have been told it would be a good idea to blog my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Well, here goes, a bit scary, but important all the same...

My heart aches,

not the childish, missing someone kind, but the real thing, hurt, painful, sorry kind of ache. If only there were something i could do about it.

My Mum Died, on the 29th of December, when I write those words I feel the pain in my chest.

I was fine leading up to it because i was prepared, i had actually gotten used to the idea, if you can get used to such a thing. It was me that told everyone that death is such a wonderful thing, a new beginning, the end of an era, but not for the one in question.

Also, my faith had put me in strong self esteem, and had me able to keep the others afloat. I was sure everything would be ok. It was down to me to be the one to express myself at the bedside in the hospital. Mum had been there for over a month, and because I had been away in another country all that time, I had fresh eyes and senses to look upon the situation. When I arrived I could see that family members were in a kind of a trance, it felt like they were keeping my mum alive, with their thoughts and feelings, holding her back in a way. Its not nice for me to be writing this so coldly, but i feel i need to get it out.

Death was on his way, and i could see him. Scythe and all.

My loved ones were holding out for recovery. It hurt me so, to see them there, and it hurt me more to see my Mum holding on when it was clear as day that things were not good. I suppose we hold out till the last moment, hoping for it to become some kind of weird dream, because thats how it feels now, looking back on it, just some kind of a strange, very, 'unreal' dream...

I was able to speak clearly and articulate some of my thoughts and perceptions to my Mum. Or at least they were my thoughts and beliefs at the time. How wrong was I... for now my beliefs have been broken down and my whole being taken back to infancy...

And to explain what happened to me and why:

Many people join the Spiritualist movement on losing a loved one. I had already been going to church for over a year when my Mum died. So for me, the reverse effect had been put in place.

I now have no belief in spiritualism other then the basic principals of mediumship that I learnt along the way.
Don't get me wrong I am neither condoling, nor putting down, any type of organized religion, I am just stating that its not for me, not at this point in my life, not now, not after what has happened. I have too much to learn to be bogged down with dogma.

It is so true that we forget to learn when we think we 'know' it already. have a listen to Alan Watts podcast.

At least my childhood was not taken up with dogma and doctrine, infact my parents never invited or pushed any of that on us. I had not even ever read the bible, still haven't actually

I was so lucky to have a few minutes alone with Mother before she passed, I remembered my Brother told me that Mum had said she was scared of dying. This was a few weeks before, so I was going to try and speak to her privately about it. There cant be anything worse than being in a hospital bed and to be scared. I wanted to be able to say that death was nothing to fear , and I did, I managed to speak from the heart and explained that granddad would be there waiting, all would be well, and to go peacefully because now was the time, "close your eyes Mum", I said. And she did...

Thanks for listening.

Danny Payne